intent on getting into grad school. indulges in occasional narcissicism. loves rock. loves jazz. digs the avant-garde bullshit occsionally cuz he's pretentious. loves film. thinks spacey is the bomb. warns everybody that norton could be the brando of our generation is transcending. dislikes etoh - really. interested in psychopharmacology, behavioral neuropharmacology and applied behavior analysis.
it's been three years folks. if you started from the beginning post, numero uno, i would hope that you would have noticed a progression in writing, a growth i suppose. in many ways, this blog has been my life. i can't begin to imagine how much shit has been recorded here; all the milestones, turning points, fading memories that have been immortalized here. i am positive that i would have a good time going through all the posts in here with anybody who has been reading this blog forawhile.
a wise man once wrote "it's better to burn out, than to fade away". of course when neil young wrote that, he was referring to the dog-eat-dog world of the music industry. if only i had followed mr young's advice, i would not have let this blog dwindled into this sorry, messy disgusting state that it is in right now.
as such, i have decided to discontinue writing in this blog. theres so much i want to write here, but can't. i find myself carefully selecting my words, my thoughts whenever i type an entry here. most of the time, i just give up halfway through - hence the lack of updates. this is no justification for the slow dwindle in the quality of my writing that i have noticed. it is just simply the truth.
have i been planning this for awhile? not really. it has always been a lingering thought in my mind i guess. what prompted me to do so was that i just realized it has been three years. and in those three years, 'fragments of my psyche' has slowly turned into 'fragments of carefully selected bits of psyche'. the dishonesty and the disgustingly puerile crap that i have descended into writing vexes and frustrates me. is this what i really am? has the last year, which i believe has been the most turning point in my life as of yet, not reflect in my writing? do i want to continue to force myself to write like this as i near the end of my teenage years? i really want a fresh page to start my adulthood years. and i believe the first step to doing that is to end what my teenage years began.
you, reader, i love. but you, as the reader, ranges from anybody from my father to the random girl who tried to pass of my writing as her own by pasting quotes verbatim from here. i cannot go on writing like this; worrying about what i write; worrying about who i will insult by writing something; worrying about who might just read this blog and find out that i written shit about them and then blowing up (not literally, duh) at me. i will not go into the specifics, but i am proud and not very proud of what i have written in here. but what is written is written. i apologize sincerely if i ever insulted or annoyed you.
this blog hasn't done too bad. without being overly sentimental, i remember the time that a quote from this blog appeared in the Rice Bowl Journals front page. as a writer, this probably would be my biggest literatic achievement (aside from the random girl passing of my writing as her own incident; i truly believe imitation is the best form of flattery). i can't quite remember how i came up with the pseudonym jerm_the_germ, but i think it's best that i do not try and dig up forcefully burried memories. jerm_the_germ will cease to exist after the demise of this blog.
what next? i have other blogs. of which i have not been updating regularly. i have always had a commitment to this blog. this blog came first over the others. i guess it will no longer be this case. do not be insulted, i write to no one but to myself in those blogs. it's the only place where i can actually be free to write what i want. i would love to write by hand, but the constant fear of my writing being read prevents from doing so. perhaps one day, when i get a safe deposit box ...
you will read more from me at my fictionpress site which i plan to update sometime soon. that will be the main source to look out for i guess. to those silent readers i never knew, those who never had the guts to say anything - mail me please. it would be nice to know who you are and i will be able to thank you individually. and to those who always recieve notifications in your email about me updating this blog, i guess this is the last one! a legacy left from the older days of this blog no?
so this it. be it that you were father, friend or foe, you, my dear reader, i am grateful to have. you shared into my thoughts, my reasoning, my doubts, my fears, my psyche. for that i would like to thank you for the past three years. and before i finish, i would like to leave you with a parting quote from a good friend that was written on my shirt (oh i know. how 'high school') the day i left new york to come home for the summer;
"memories are the stories, both good and bad (not forgeting worse), that make up our present, and give us hope for the tomorrow."
will be back home on 2nd june. currently crashing at a friend's place till then. leaving the lab for good. will be leaving home aug 15 to come back here to start work in my new lab. hopefully i will be able to get into the psychology honors program. fingers crossed.
it's dark. it's cold. it's rainy. i'm all alone in my room here. i hear the train sound it's honk as rahul leaves on it, never to return to long island again. the loneliness pierces a hole through my neck and slithers down my throat, making a detour and dumping a pound of ache into my heart.
apart from the lab, i guess this is the reason why i want to go home. i can't stand loneliness. i can't living in a place all by myself where so many inebriated(and not) memories were created. it feels that, all by myself, i have to soak in the misery of memories. i'm done. i'll never have to live here again.
it's only sad when you think about it and you say to yourself ....
do you know the feeling when an alarm goes off that is not yours? it's brash. it's brusque. it's irritating. and worst of all, you can't switch it OFF.
i get that feeling when i talk to some people. like you can't switch off their brash, brusque and irritating drivel. of course, these people i can stand mainly because i don't hang around with them too much - or at all. however, if say a supposed close friend becomes an irritatant, u have to do something about it yes? let's say you stop talking to her becuause her nasal superficial bullshit chips against your psyche slowly, steadily, in a periodic manner becaise you can't take it anymore right?
you cannot imagine the superficialness. gah! the superficialness! the fakeness. the constant back-stabbing and inanelysuperfluous trash that comes out of her mouth (we shall not talk about what goes in too). how i wish i could just go up to her and tell it straight into her face. but i won't. i'm not like that. i'm done trying to tell her politely. i'm done with the disrepect thrown right back in my face as a result and all of the subsequent accusations of not being streetsmart enough. it's not my place to judge her further. it's not my place to take it upon myself to release my frustrations upon her by exploding in a grand mess of carthatic combustion.
i just simply can't care anymore. i'm happy because i don't talk, hang or even see her. woohooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo wahahahahhahaha.
it's pretty late. whatever. had such bad fried chicken, i'll never eat it again. my stomach agrees.
pft. i hate it how when government school kids try to write essays on some supposed-important issue online, ie thecicak. yeah, i'm being elitist. but i can't help it. they spend so much time worrying about the structure, the grammar, the wording, the blah, the blah that it just ends up being pointless. what about the damn content? what about just focusing on your main point(s) and building your argument around that? "thesis you say? wtf does that mean?" psh. i just read this kid's essay on spm results and how it doesn't really mean anything. or something like that. i reall have no idea what his main point was. of course i didn't tell him that - other people did already. it would be impolite and redundant to say it again. (but i did leave a comment because he wrote a quote which was valuable to note, but rather obvious nonetheless.)
but hey. i was guilty of writing stupid things too. still am when i'm rushing exams and writing 'blog'posts. but you know, if you're going to spend so much time on your grammar, structure, wording etc. etc. - you might as well spend that time on actually shaping a proper thesis. that way i won't have to dig through your bullshit and try to get what you're trying to say.
i have an idea for a little novella. it's sad that this novella will never come to life because it's such an awesome idea.